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| Abbott: | Alright, now whaddya want? | Costello: | Now look, I'm the head of the Autopsy department. I gotta know the cadavers’ names. Do you know the guys' names? | Abbott: | Oh sure. | Costello: | So you go ahead and tell me some of their names. | Abbott: | Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. Now let's see, who we have on the slabs - We have Who on the first, What on the second, and I Don't Know on the third. | Costello: | That's what I wanna find out. | Abbott: | I said Who's on the first, What's on the second, I Don't Know's on the third- | Costello: | You know the fellows' names? | Abbott: | Certainly! | Costello: | Well then who's on the first? | Abbott: | Yes! | Costello: | I mean the fellow's name! | Abbott: | Who! | Costello: | The guy on the first slab! | Abbott: | Who! | Costello: | The first corpse! | Abbott: | Who! | Costello: | The guy laid out on the first slab! | Abbott: | Who is on the first slab! | Costello: | Now whaddya askin' me for? | Abbott: | I'm telling you Who is on the first slab. | Costello: | Well, I'm asking YOU who's on the first slab! | Abbott: | That's the man's name. | Costello: | That's who's name? | Abbott: | Yes. | Costello: | Well go ahead and tell me. | Abbott: | Who. | Costello: | The guy on the first slab. | Abbott: | Who! | Costello: | The first corpse. | Abbott: | Who is on the first slab! | Costello: | Have you got a toe tag for the first corpse? | Abbott: | Absolutely. | Costello: | Who’s name is on the tag? | Abbott: | Well, naturally! | Costello: | When you enbalm the first corpse, who gets the fluid? | Abbott: | Every drop. Why not? The man's entitled to it. | Costello: | Who is? | Abbott: | Yes. The wife may come down and inspect it. | Costello: | Who's wife? | Abbott: | Yes. | Costello: | All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on the first slab. | Abbott: | Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on the second slab. | Costello: | I'm not askin' you who's on the second slab. | Abbott: | Who is on the first. | Costello: | I don't know. | Abbott: | He's on the third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him. | Costello: | Now, how did I get on the third slab? | Abbott: | You mentioned his name! | Costello: | If I mentioned the third corpse’s name, who did I say is on the third slab? | Abbott: | No - Who's on the first. | Costello: | Never mind the first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on the third slab. | Abbott: | No - What's on the second. | Costello: | I'm not askin' you who's on the second. | Abbott: | Who's on the first. | Costello: | I don't know. | Abbott: | He's on the third. | Costello: | Aaah! Would you please stay on the third slab and don't go off it? | Abbott: | What was it you wanted? | Costello: | Now who's layin' on the third slab? | Abbott: | Now why do you insist on putting Who on the third slab? | Costello: | Why? Who am I putting over there? | Abbott: | Yes. But we don't want him there. | Costello: | What's the guy's name on the third slab? | Abbott: | What belongs on the second. | Costello: | I'm not askin' you who's on the second. | Abbott: | Who's on the first. | Costello: | I don't know. | Abbott & Costello: | THIRD SLAB! | Costello: | You got any in coffins? | Abbott: | Oh yes! | Costello: | The occupant’s name? | Abbott: | Why. | Costello: | I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you. | Abbott: | Well, I just thought I'd tell you. | Costello: | Alright, then tell me who's in the coffin. | Abbott: | Who is on the fir- | Costello: | STAY OFF OF THE SLABS! I wanna know what's the name of the body in the coffin. | Abbott: | What's on the second slab. | Costello: | I'm not askin' you who's on the second slab. | Abbott: | Who's on the first. | Costello: | I don't know. | Abbott & Costello: | THIRD SLAB! | Costello: | The guy in the coffin’s name? | Abbott: | Why. | Costello: | Because! | Abbott: | Oh, he's in the hearse. | Costello: | Look, you gotta Mortician on this team? | Abbott: | Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a mortician. | Costello: | The mortician's name. | Abbott: | Tomorrow. | Costello: | You don't wanna tell me today? | Abbott: | I'm tellin' you now. | Costello: | Then go ahead. | Abbott: | Tomorrow. | Costello: | What time? | Abbott: | What time what? | Costello: | What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's the mortician? | Abbott: | Now listen. Who is not the mortician. Who is on the fir- | Costello: | I'll break your arm if you say Who's on the first slab. i wanna know what's the mortician's name. | Abbott: | What's on the second slab. | Costello: | I don't know. | Abbott & Costello: | THIRD SLAB! | Costello: | You got a grave digger? | Abbott: | Oh, absolutely. | Costello: | The grave digger's name. | Abbott: | Today. | Costello: | Today. And Tomorrow's the mortician. | Abbott: | Now you've got it. | Costello: | All we've got is a couple of days on the team. | Abbott: | Well, I can't help that. | Costello: | Well, I'm a grave digger too. | Abbott: | I know that. | Costello: | Now suppose that I'm digging a grave, Tomorrow's the mortician on my team and our coroner shows up. | Abbott: | Yes. | Costello: | Tomorrow gets the body. The coroner logs in the body. When he wants to enbalm the body, me being a good grave digger, I wanna dig the grave for the guy on the first slab. So I dig the grave for who? | Abbott: | Now that's the first thing you've said right. | Costello: | I don't even know what I'm talkin' about! | Abbott: | Well, that's all you have to do. | Costello: | Is dig the grave for the guy on the first slab. | Abbott: | Yes. | Costello: | For who? | Abbott: | Naturally! | Costello: | If I dig the grave for the body on the first slab, somebody's gotta go in it. Now who goes in it? | Abbott: | Naturally! | Costello: | Who goes in? | Abbott: | Naturally. | Costello: | Who? | Abbott: | Naturally! | Costello: | Naturally. | Abbott: | Yes. | Costello: | So I dig the grave and I bury Naturally. | Abbott: | NO, NO, NO! You dig the grave for the body on the first slab and Who gets buried. | Costello: | Naturally. | Abbott: | That's right. There we go. | Costello: | So I dig the grave and I bury Naturally. | Abbott: | You don't! | Costello: | I bury who? | Abbott: | Naturally. | Costello: | THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! | Abbott: | You're not saying it that way. | Costello: | I said I dig the grave for Naturally. | Abbott: | You don't - you dig the grave for Who. | Costello: | Naturally! | Abbott: | Well, say that! | Costello: | THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I dig the grave for who? | Abbott: | Naturally. | Costello: | Ask me. | Abbott: | You dig the grave for Who? | Costello: | Naturally. | Abbott: | That's it. | Costello: | SAME AS YOU!! I dig the grave for the guy on the first slab and who goes in it? | Abbott: | Naturally! | Costello: | Who goes in it? | Abbott: | Naturally! | Costello: | HE BETTER GO IN IT! I dig the grave for the guy on the first slab. whoever it is gets lowered in it so I dig a grave for the guy on the second, Who's grave gets filled up with dirt from What, What's grave gets filled up with dirt from I Don’t Know. Three for the price of one. | Abbott: | Yes. | Costello: | Another body comes in - it takes a long time to embalm him. Why? Because. I Don't Know. He's on the third slab and I Don't Give a Damn! | Abbott: | What was that? | Costello: | I said I Don't Give a Damn! | Abbott: | Oh, he’s getting cremated. |